Jesus Mythicist Discovers His Own Nonexistence
Please note that the following article is satire.
While studying online articles about the Jesus Myth, Philipp Bullocks of Buffalo, NY, came to a startling conclusion.
The Jesus Myth (aka Christ Myth) claims that Jesus of Nazareth never existed and the Jesus of the Gospels was based on pagan myths. First considered in the nineteenth century, it has made a dramatic comeback through hundreds of skeptical websites.
Bullocks explains how he became interested in the theory, “Scholarly books and academic journals are completely biased. I knew if I was going to discover the truth about Jesus, I would have to find it on the internet.”
Although 99% of historians reject the Jesus Myth, people such as Bullocks, find mythicist claims very convincing. “No matter what evidence scholars offer for the existence of Jesus, I can imagine a way to doubt it,” argues Bullocks. “It is possible that every passage in the Bible that points to a real Jesus was actually a later addition.”
The nonexistence of Jesus was not the only conclusion that Bullocks came to.
“As I embraced skepticism and trained myself to look for parallels in fictional accounts, I encountered the shock of my life.”
Bullocks noticed that in addition to the lack of archaeological evidence for Jesus, there was also a suspicious lack of archaeological evidence for his own life. An exasperated Bullocks stated, “As hard as I looked, there were no coins, statues or engraved plaques attesting to my existence.”
Things became more desperate when Bullocks noticed parallels from his own experiences, especially his dating life, with day-time soap operas and romantic comedies. “The only explanation for these eery parallels is that someone took these existing accounts and developed them into what I thought were real experiences.”
Bullocks’s conclusion was that he did not really exist.
Initially terrified at his own nonexistence, Bullocks has come to terms with his new reality. “Jesus never existed either, so I’m in pretty good company.”
Bullocks has not let his lack of existence stop his quest for truth. “If I read enough blog posts, things will eventually make sense.”