Jesus Mythicist Discovers His Own Nonexistence

Please note that the following article is satire.

Jesus Myth
Philipp Bullocks

While studying online articles about the Jesus Myth, Philipp Bullocks of Buffalo, NY, came to a startling conclusion.

The Jesus Myth (aka Christ Myth) claims that Jesus of Nazareth never existed and the Jesus of the Gospels was based on pagan myths. First considered in the nineteenth century, it has made a dramatic comeback through hundreds of skeptical websites.

Bullocks explains how he became interested in the theory, “Scholarly books and academic journals are completely biased. I knew if I was going to discover the truth about Jesus, I would have to find it on the internet.”

Although 99% of historians reject the Jesus Myth, people such as Bullocks, find mythicist claims very convincing. “No matter what evidence scholars offer for the existence of Jesus, I can imagine a way to doubt it,” argues Bullocks. “It is possible that every passage in the Bible that points to a real Jesus was actually a later addition.”

The nonexistence of Jesus was not the only conclusion that Bullocks came to.

“As I embraced skepticism and trained myself to look for parallels in fictional accounts, I encountered the shock of my life.”

Bullocks noticed that in addition to the lack of archaeological evidence for Jesus, there was also a suspicious lack of archaeological evidence for his own life. An exasperated Bullocks stated, “As hard as I looked, there were no coins, statues or engraved plaques attesting to my existence.”

Things became more desperate when Bullocks noticed parallels from his own experiences, especially his dating life, with day-time soap operas and romantic comedies. “The only explanation for these eery parallels is that someone took these existing accounts and developed them into what I thought were real experiences.”

Bullocks’s conclusion was that he did not really exist.

Initially terrified at his own nonexistence, Bullocks has come to terms with his new reality. “Jesus never existed either, so I’m in pretty good company.”

Bullocks has not let his lack of existence stop his quest for truth. “If I read enough blog posts, things will eventually make sense.”

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2 thoughts on “Jesus Mythicist Discovers His Own Nonexistence”

  1. There is not a 99% consensus amongst historians about the existence of Jesus. There never has been. I am sure that, if the only history book you use is the Bible, it is very difficult to completely dismiss all of the references to Jesus and requires a great deal of mental gymnastics. Fortunately for everybody, the Bible has already been proven to be one of the least historically accurate books in history. We know for a fact that the Garden of Eden does not exist and be events during did not happen. We know for a fact that the Jews were never slaves in Egypt, and that’s the Exodus never happened. Which means all of the chapters based on the Exodus, and the establishment of the vast Kingdom of Israel (supposedly ruled by David and / or Solomon) that never actually existed, is also completely bogus. The only historically verifiable part of the Bible is a tiny fragment of the book of Kings. The rest is complete fiction. So we look for confirmation of biblical stories in the works of other historians. The record keepers of kings and Empires and republics and philosophers from the regions of the world mentioned in the Bible. And absolutely none of the stories in the Bible are supported by outside accounts.

    At the end of the day, we are left with the Bible, wich has almost no historical veracity at all, and a large collection of non biblical historical records which largely agree with each other and can be used to establish accurate historical accounts.

  2. If mr. Bullocks could not find any kind of record, archaeological or not, of his own existence then he must not have looked very hard. In 10 minutes I could Assemble a docket of Records. My birth certificate, my social security card, my text history, my high school diploma, my high school yearbook, my transcripts from college which can be checked against College records to confirm that they are accurate, my banking records, a paid parking ticket which should still be on file in the police department, a dozen email addresses, a gym membership, the billing records for my rent, power, water, insurance, and car note. My car registration, my phone number on record with the Yellow Pages, my phone bill, a dozen Facebook posts about what a great guy I am, at least a hundred Facebook posts about what a complete a****** I am. Medical records on file with three different hospitals, and optometrist, and the dentist. Two local news articles which site me by name, and a Dozen which have a picture in which I am in the background in them.

    Everybody who exists leaves a paper trail and a footprint. The more important and influential a person is, the bigger that footprint and The Wider that paper trail. Jesus, a man who is said to have thousands of followers and disrupted daily life across a significant percentage of one of Rome’s territories left exactly no records at all, even from record-keepers in the town’s he was said to have visited who did not even record the most mundane facts of his existence, says a lot about the veracity of the claims about him. And then there is the matter of the Integrity of the claims themselves. The fact that the town he is said to have been born in did not exist at the time he was said to have been born, the fact that two different accounts of his life have him being born in different decades under different Kings during censuses that never happened, is enough to cast doubt on the rest of the story. The fact that none of the record Keepers in the towns he visited mention anything about him, not even a vague ‘that crazy wondering why nobody visited town today and a bunch of people skipped work to listen to him talk’. Nothing. If you set the Bible aside and read every other historian from that time, Yeshua Ben Yosef of Galilee is not even a footnote. Highly suspicious for somebody who was supposed to have been the most influential human in all of history.

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