1 Samuel 20:1-17
Introduction
Many years ago I read a book by a very well known pastor. He was sharing some leadership principles and he touched on the friendships that we have. He challenged the reader to look at the people in their life and to ask this question: “What are they doing to get you to the next level of success that you want?” He went on to say that if the friends in your life do not have the mentoring ability, the networking potential, the opportunities, the connections, to get you to the next level, then you need to separate yourself from them and find people who have what it takes to move you up the success ladder. This might seem extreme but it actually works. That pastor has a church of over 16,000 people. So if the most important thing in your life is to be as successful as possible, then this might be good advice.
But perhaps we should take a second look at friendship. C.S. Lewis once said: “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” True friendship, unlike utilitarian relationships may not get you that promotion or your child into that top university, but it can bring value to every area of life.
What do we want our relationships to look like? It is interesting to note that there are no clear boundaries between acquaintance and friend and between friend and close friend. And yet we can recognize them when we see them. It is like the Sorites Paradox in philosophy. We would say that a person with only one hair on their head was bald. What about two or three? What is the number of hairs that would make a person not bald? If you subtract one hair, would it bring them back to being bald? And yet we can recognize when one person is bald and one is not.
It is the same principle for relationships. We do not necessarily recognize when the boundary is crossed but we can see evidence at some point after.
The Bible has much to say about relationships. In fact Jesus boiled the entire Law down to loving God and loving people. The challenge for us is to figure out what that love looks like. To work toward that, we are going to look at a story from the Old Testament that illustrates true friendship in a powerful way.
Jonathan and David
When we think of David from the Old Testament, we likely think of his epic fight with Goliath, his reign over Israel that set the standard for all future kings, or his writing of psalms. Perhaps we do not think of his relationship with his best friend Jonathan.
Jonathan is not the best known figure from the Bible but he has a tremendous story. Jonathan was the son of Saul, the first king of Israel. Jonathan was a brave and skilled warrior who proved himself in battle on numerous occasions. Everything looked well for Jonathan to become the second king of Israel, and from all we know about him, we would have done very well in that role.
There was only one problem. His father, Saul, had disobeyed God on numerous occasions and finally God decided to take the crown away from Saul and give it to someone else. By taking it away from Saul, God was also taking it away from Jonathan. But it got even more complicated. The one to whom God was going to give the crown was a young man named David, who served in Saul’s court and was close friends with David.
And then it go even more complicated. Saul had already given his daughter and Jonathan’s sister to David to be his wife. But this did not stop Saul’s jealousy over David’s success from turning into active attempts on David’s life. Saul wanted David dead.
Think about the position that Jonathan was in. Jonathan had a certain loyalty to his family and presumably had some interest in continuing the family dynasty as kings over Israel. And yet Jonathan had a close friendship with David. The best thing that Jonathan could have done for his own future would have been to betray David. Such things have been done countless times throughout history. But if Jonathan could not cross that moral line, the next best thing he could have done would be to do nothing. He could have even just offered David sympathy, but instead offered David real help, knowing that he would face his father’s wrath and likely not get the crown. But Jonathan went further than this. Jonathan not only regretted his father’s anger toward David, Jonathan actually wished for David’s success. Jonathan wanted David to be the next king of Israel, even if that meant losing the crown himself. Any leadership guru will tell you this is not the way to get ahead in the world. It is just not logic. And yet for Jonathan, seeing David fulfill his calling was far more important than personal advancement. Sadly, Jonathan died before seeing David get the throne, but David sought out Jonathan’s son and brought him into his court, to sit at his table.
Kingdom Relationships
So what does this have to do with us? I suspect that few of us are in line to become a king or queen of any nation. How do we apply this? What Jonathan lives out is actually the plan for relationships that Jesus offers us in the Gospels. The first shall be last and the last shall be first. Relationships are not to be tools to help us up the success ladder. In fact, Jesus was heavily criticized for spending time with people who not only had nothing to offer, but by spending time with them, Jesus was actually losing social capital. There is a reason that there is so much of a focus on the marginalized. Jonathan offers us the example of the purest relationship, one that was not for his gain, but was based on hope and blessing for the other person.
Why is this hard? I believe the root of it is envy. Things are fine when the people in your group are all having the same fortune. But what happens if one suddenly has the opportunity to become much more successful? What is our reaction?
According to St. Thomas Aquinas, the struggle aroused by envy has three stages: during the first stage, the envious person attempts to lower another’s reputation; in the middle stage, the envious person receives either “joy at another’s misfortune” (if he succeeds in defaming the other person) or “grief at another’s prosperity” (if he fails); and the third stage is hatred because “sorrow causes hatred”. (Taken from Wikipedia)
Think of it in terms of connecting with a peer that you have not talked to in some time. One of the first questions is often about how our children are doing. This is usually not about general welfare but about successful they are, often as a matter of bragging rights. Now imagine that all of your adult children are struggling, perhaps with their physical or mental health, they are having trouble keeping a job, and are generally not successful by society’s measures. The other person has three children, one a lawyer, one a brain surgeon, and one a successful politician. How do you feel in that moment? And what if you happen to have an opportunity for one of those children to experience even more success? Do you share it? It was Theodore Roosevelt who said “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Let’s look at it from a different angle. We are here today as different congregations. Let me give you some insight to pastors. Many pastors do not like to get together with other pastors because it ends up being comparison about the size of the congregation. Usually a pastor of a church that has plateaued or has only had moderate growth does not get super-excited when their friend’s church is experiencing explosive growth. We know we should but there’s that little voice of “why isn’t that happening to me?”. All of these feelings and emotions are normal and none of this is meant to condemn. But God wants to change our hearts, moving us from a spirit of competition to that of wanting the best for others. Is it possible? The story of Jonathan and David suggests that it is indeed possible.
Conclusion
Everything that I have shared here is relevant in general to all of us, no matter what our spiritual background is. Our already wonderful community would be even better if each one of us were committed to putting the needs of others before ourselves. This is already happening but we can always do more.
But how important is this to a specifically Christian context? I would say that this is central to the gospel. I would like to read you one more passage of Scripture:
“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” (Philippians 2:5-11)
Paul’s Gospel is that Jesus was equal with the Father in the Trinity but instead of holding on to that privilege, he emptied himself to become a human, and not just a human but one who would suffer and die on a cross because of the spiritual benefit that would be to humanity. And that selfless love that puts others before self is to be emulated by the followers of Jesus. That’s the gospel.
Jonathan lived a thousand years before Jesus but he was already living out gospel values, ironically with one of the ancestors of Jesus, David. Jonathan had much privilege that he could have held onto but he let go for the benefit of another. Let us emulate Jonathan in our relationships, seeking to bless rather than to clutch our own blessings, willing to give even when there is no direct benefit to us. Let this be the foundation on which we build our community.
