Mustard Seed of Faith | Ramblings of a Mother

There have been many times in my life where this little verse has come to mind. I have come to know and experience its truth and the wonder of its reality in my life circumstances.  There are many things I do not understand about faith or what exactly it is because I’ve come to realize that faith is not a feeling, it is beyond that. You see there are times when I look at life, at what we’re experiencing that I feel no faith, in fact what I feel is doubt.  But faith is deeper than feeling,  It is knowledge, it is truth, it just is. And it is present within my doubt and is not changed by my doubt.

This week has rivaled many of the other difficult times in my life.  The loss of our first child, the diagnosis of autism in two of our children, the subsequent years of learning, fearing, crying, praying about what life may hold for them. Their departure from our home.  The early months of our younger children; watching their struggle, learning about what may come and realizing that some of those “what may” have come to pass.  Coming to the knowledge that mental health issues know no age limit and that life is fragile.

Faith in my life cannot be a feeling; feelings are fleeting and untrustworthy. I cannot trust that which is fleeting but I can and will trust in knowing that faith is for me, an act of breathing. It is something that has formed in the fabric of my being, I cannot think about it otherwise I may lose focus but if I trust that it can be, that it will be in place despite my lack of understanding, it frees to me process life away from feelings.

This week has been a week of breath prayers, of silent sighs and tears, of fear and trembling. It has been a week of not understanding life, how sin can be so destructive in our lives, even at such a young age. I have learned that my faith is an act of breathing because my mind has betrayed me. My mind serves to try and tear down that fabric and yet my faith remains.

I cannot make a mustard seed, my feeling do not change the fact that a mustard seed is a mustard seed. I believe that seed of faith is given to each of us.  I am thankful that no matter how I feel, my faith is secure. I breathe it, I live it, it encompasses me and holds me and carries me through life’s most challenging moments, the moments that we as a family are now living.