A (Pet) Grief Observed

Let me take you back in time about fifteen years ago. We were living in Meaford and I was pastoring at Woodford and First Baptist Churches. We had two children with autism and our hands were very, very full.

I was sitting in my church office writing Sunday’s sermon when Amanda called me on the phone. She had been doing some searching on the internet and told me that she felt we should get a service dog for Logan.

Being me, my first question was: “How much?” She said, “It’s pretty expensive. It costs twelve.” I exclaimed: “What?! Twelve hundred dollars for a dog?” There was silence on her end and then in a soft voice, Amanda said: “Twelve thousand.”

God must have had a sense of humour because the sentence I had just typed on my computer for my sermon as Amanda called was: “I would do anything for the wellbeing of my children.” I was caught.

Since we didn’t have $12,000 just sitting in the bank waiting to be spent, we started the fundraising process. I had my doubts that we would get there but in the end, we raised almost $30,000 (yes all of that money went to National Service Dogs).

We eventually received our service dog. He was a chocolate lab named Milo. He was a beautiful dog but a terrible service dog.

National Service Dogs replaced Milo with a black lab named Halo (it took me a long time to get those names straight). We immediately knew we were dealing with a different caliber of dog. I had never met a dog that was so caring, kind, gentle and disciplined.

If you are not familiar with service dogs for autism, the point is to have a dog (of good size) who would be tethered to the child so that the child could only go as far as the dog. This was important as Logan was a runner and escaped from us many times.

Logan wasn’t always tethered, just when we went out in public. Halo could go with us to movie theatres, restaurants and grocery stores. It opened up a whole new world for us.

What many families with service dogs have noticed is that there was an emotional benefit as well. We saw that as well, even though Logan wasn’t outwardly affectionate toward Halo. Sometimes, even when they weren’t tethered, we saw a much calmer Logan when Halo was out with us.

Halo did other things as well. We had a very long driveway in Meaford. We were just getting the kids into the van when Logan took off. Logan was as fast (or faster) as us and so there was some dangerous. Halo wasn’t in jacket and so technically wasn’t working but he still ran after Logan, circled him and brought him to a stop. That wasn’t part of his training but he saved our son.

Logan eventually went into a group home. That meant that Halo had to retire as a service dog since he was too old to be placed with another family. There was talk of taking him away as that sometimes happens, especially if the child with autism still lives at home. Since Logan had moved, they let Halo stay. Of that we are thankful.

Our other son went through a rough patch for a couple of years. He was able to find emotional support from Halo.

I too went through a rough time, especially as I came down with sarcoidosis. Halo was able to tell somehow when I was a having a bad day. Halo almost never barked, but he would give a little bark at me in the morning when he knew that the sarcoidosis was kicking my butt that day.

Halo seemed to switch to being my service, or at least companion dog. He was more than a pet, he was a support through some of my darkest days.

Halo was a naturally empathetic dog. He would automatically sense who was struggling and go and place his head on their lap. This went beyond our immediate family. He cared about how people were feeling.

Halo enjoyed some very good health. In fact even at age ten, many people who met us thought he was a puppy who was just past a year. They almost didn’t believe me when I told them his real age.

Then there was his relationship with our cats. He was very close to the female cats. In fact, I’m not sure our cat Pekoe knew that she and Halo were not the same species. Sadly, our other female, Whitney, went missing just weeks before we lost Halo.

And we did lose Halo. He had struggled a bit with walking and it began to get worse. He had degenerative myelopathy. It was hard to watch him lose control of his back legs. We used to go for two hour walks, now he could barely make a five minute walk.

We made the difficult decision to euthanize him. He had reached the age of twelve, which is a good age for labs. But knowing that didn’t make it any easier.

We had waffled at the timing but eventually it became obvious that he was not enjoying a good quality of life. We booked the appointment, leaving us a couple of days for us to enjoy Halo. We had lots of cuddles and we spoiled him with treats. The kids did remarkably well, perhaps because they had already lost Whitney.

We brought Halo today to the Dog and Cat Clinic of Niagara, a place that has been so good to him and us. I had never gone through this myself. We had cats and dogs put down growing up, but that was always my mom doing that. I never went in to be there.

Our vet, Dr. Nick, was incredibly compassionate. He has supported us through this whole process as we have been in discussions about when it was time. He explained the procedure and gave us lots of time to spend with Halo, and of course lots of treats to give him as well.

And then it was done.

I am not an emotional person but I cried. In fact the last time I cried like this was when my mom died. Halo wasn’t just a pet the way the fish in my office are. Even though I would say that I’m generally more of a cat person than a dog person, Halo and I had a bond.

Halo was a part of our family. He was a Bedard through and through. Everyone who met him fell in love with him. But that doesn’t compare to the love that our family had for him.

I am still very upset and I expect I will be for some time (I’m crying as I write this). I hate that bringing animals into your life means the pain of loss. But looking back over the last ten years, I’m thankful that we had Halo.

I don’t know if angels have halos or not, but our angel was a Halo.