Hard Conversations

Matthew 18:15-20

Introduction

I want you to think about your experience with church over the course of your life. I am sure that you can think of a number of people that you really connected to and that have meant a lot to you. Now I want you to shift to at least one person that you did not get along with. Someone you were in conflict with, whether the conflict was out in the open or not. Think of someone in the church who did something against you. Perhaps it was gossip or slander. Maybe they took something from you. Possibly they just made life more difficult for you. How did that situation work out? Was there reconciliation? Did you talk over the issue and was there an apology or forgiveness? Or did you ignore one another, attempting to limit the intensity of the conflict? Perhaps you or the other person left the church and you never had to deal with it further? If you could go back and live that conflict over again, would you have done anything different?

Some people think that Christianity is completely theoretical and practically irrelevant. I actually see the teachings of Jesus as being incredibly relevant, including on how to deal with conflict with other people.

I need to mention that there is some debate about the passage we are looking at. Is Jesus referring to confronting general sin in other people or sins specifically done against us? This makes a big difference. You imagine the difficulty if we all decided to police each other one every sin in our life. To make matters worse, most Christians have a concept of proper behaviour of a Christian that goes beyond what the Bible teaches. That’s fine for personal convictions, but becomes problematic when we try to enforce that on others. It is not practical and it does not fit with the rest of Jesus’ teaching. Having said that, there is a time and way to confront people. If we see damaging behaviour in another member and if we care for them, we will find a way to talk to them.

But in this passage, based on the context of the rest of the chapter, it seems that Jesus is teaching on what to do when someone sins against us. It is not us concerned about the kinds of televisions shows they watch or how they are spending their money. Someone has done something in word or deed against us. What are we going to do? That’s what we are going to look at.

Talk to the Person

Many times during my career as a pastor have I had people come to me and tell me that someone has done something against them. I always respond the same way: “Have you talked to them?” Very often I see a look of shock on their face. Why would they go and talk to the person who wronged them? That’s the last person that they want to talk to. And yet that is exactly the person that they should be talking to. This is what Jesus teaches and this is what anyone involved in conflict management teaches. I will be honest and admit that I totally understand why people are hesitant to confront the person. It is one of the hardest things in the world. It is far easier to share what has happened with other people and to get their moral support than to speak to the person you are in conflict with. Christians sometimes add the extra layer of sharing the story as a “prayer request.” What we often forget is that in the various sin lists in the New Testament, gossip is listed right along what we would consider the real serious sins. Gossiping is not a way of coping with the hurt, it is a way of getting revenge against the person. It seems more gratifying in the short term than speaking directly to the person.

But why should we speak to the person? Doesn’t that risk making things worse? Actually it does but we still need to do it. One reason we need to speak to the person is that it might be a complete misunderstanding. I have experienced that where someone thought I had done something and I actually what she thought was not based on fact. When I confronted her, we were able to clear the air and find full reconciliation. Far too often, relationship-ending conflicts are based on misunderstandings that could be cleared up if we just talked.

However, sometimes a real wrong doing has taken place. It may have been intentional or unintentional. Confronting the person could lead to the process of healing.

But what if the person does not seem interested or refuses to make things right?

Bring Someone Along

Jesus understands that these things are not as simple as just talking and everything goes back to normal. The next step is to include one or two other people into the conversation. This follows the biblical principle of having two or three witnesses. It is important to understand that we must choose these people wisely and that the point is not to gang up on the person by including people just as angry as you. The few times that I have had to do this, I have looked for people who are sympathetic or friendly to the other person. I look for people who are looking not to back me up in my hurt but who are seeking healing in the relationship. If people who are friendly to the other person are included, then there is a chance that we will be more open to what has to be said. Having this wider group, allows perspective on both sides, as emotions are likely running hot. This is the principle that leads to mediation. If you put two opposing people together in a room, you might just gets lots of arguing. Add a mediator for the individuals to speak to and they have to communicate with more precision and less emotion. But what if this doesn’t work?

Include the Church

This might surprise us, but there is a time for the church to be included. Remember that at the time that Jesus was sharing this and when it would have first put into practice, churches were small groups that met in homes. Do not picture two hundred people against one person.

It is important to remember that this is the last option and not the first step in the resolution process. Some people skip the first two steps for various reasons but this should only be done if the person has not responded to private correction.

This is difficult to put into practice because it has been so often been abused. In many cases, it has been used as a weapon by pastors to punish disobedience to their authority. Other times it has been used with no concern about the relative seriousness of different actions. I have never been involved in a confrontation at this level and I hope I never have to. But it is an option if things get very serious.

Conclusion

Why does Jesus spend so much time on this? Why not just cut someone out of your life if they do something wrong? Why go through all this hassle and awkward conversation?

The reason is that in the kingdom of God, relationships are everything. The people around us are not the means to achieve some goal. The people around us, those we like and those who have hurt us, are important to God and should be important to us.

This means that we need to do the hard work of healing relationships, at least as far as it is within our power. It is the best thing for the other person and it is the best thing for us. It may be that the other person will not admit any wrong doing and have no interest in reconciliation. Even so, none of this is wasted effort. The work we do to bring peace, whether or not successful, is never without purpose. We will be better people for the attempt. Blessed are the peacemaker for they shall be called children of God.