How to Leave a Church and How I Did It Wrong
I have attended eight different churches over my lifetime. However, six of them were churches that I was pastoring at. That means that I have left only two churches based on decisions and not because I was going to pastor a new church.
There are times that a family needs to leave a church for reasons other than a change of geographical location. Having said that, leaving churches is probably one of the worst skills of Christians.
I speak to this topic not as one who is good at this, but one who has learned from mistakes.
The first church I left was actually the church that I grew up in. Why did I leave? I had just come to a personal faith and the church in general and the pastor in particular was very liberal. Since I knew that situation would not change soon, I saw that theological environment as unhealthy for my spiritual growth. I stand by my decision to leave that church.
How did I communicate this decision? I just stopped showing up. Since I switched to the one church that the pastor hated the most, he did not appreciate the change and our encounters from then on were rather tense. I did not leave that church well. While it was before the time of email, I could have at least have written a letter explaining my decision.
The second church I left was a church I only attended a few times (less than half a dozen). However, my family had attended the church more often that, while I stayed home with our son. It was a good church. I really respected the pastor and he was a talented preacher. The church was kind to our family. We had to leave for two reasons. One was because of our son with autism and the other was that it was not my credentialed denomination, which would have been a problem for my military career. Leaving that church was the right decision.
How did I communicate this decision? We stopped showing up and began attending a different church (the church we currently attend). I really should have sent him an email that explained our reasons for leaving.
How should people leave a church? There are two things to keep in mind: 1) what are good reasons for leaving and 2) how should that decision be communicated?
Is there a biblical model? The New Testament really doesn’t even imagine a Christian leaving one church for another. A Christian simply was a part of the church in that city. But that doesn’t mean that biblical principles are not applicable.
Reasons for Leaving a Church
- Not because you don’t like the worship music.
- Not because you don’t like the style of preaching.
- Not because you are having a personality conflict with the pastor.
- Not because they don’t let you make all the decisions.
- Not because an exciting new church opened up down the street.
- You believe that major theological distinctives of the church are unbiblical.
- The pastor is actively teaching false doctrine.
- The culture of the church could lead your children away from the faith.
How to Leave a Church
Assuming that you have a good reason to leave, this is how you should communicate your decision.
- Communicate your decision directly to the pastor (either in person or email).
- Explain your decision clearly.
- Use language of reason rather than emotion.
- Provide any positive feedback possible.
- Keep your decision personal and do not encourage others to follow you.
- Pray for your former church.
Things to Remember
You need to remember that churches change over time and pastors come and go. There may be something about the church that you don’t like and yet that issue may be gone in another two years. Give things time.
Church is not about what you can get but about what you can give. Preaching and worship are not there to entertain you. Church is about offering worship to God and offering service to other people. That can happen even if the pastor has bad breath or you hate the paint in the sanctuary.
What kind of influence are you having on your church? Are you having a positive, a negative or no impact on your church? Before deciding to leave a church, maybe it is time to see what you can do to make the church better.
Steve, you mention several times that you could have “sent an email”. I find even this means of communicating that one is leaving a church to be the equivalent of sliding a note under the pastor’s door and running so as not to have face him or her and deal with the matter in person.
I’ve been the recipient of a few Monday morning emails announcing a congregant’s imminent departure and each one disappoints me more than the last. Are we THAT bad at being able to talk about the hard things that we have to dash off an email to announce we are breaking covenant with one another ?? Sad.
I am thinking of the email as the response to what I consider a reasonable decision to leave a church Those reasons assume that there is no room for negotiation. If I was having a disagreement with my pastor, my face-to-face would not preface my leaving but be instead of my leaving.
By the way, this will lead into my next post of what happens when you disagree with your pastor. You might find it interesting.
yayyyyy!! thank you!! this has been a hot topic with me for years when people have left our church for some of those reasons NOT to leave – it’s nice when you see it from a pastor’s point of view ….. I too left a church by just not turning up and I liked the pastor – he opened my eyes to Jesus Christ – I liked the people too but got involved with people at another denomination and it just felt right so I never went back ….. it has haunted me that I never talked to that minister
Thanks for your comment. Really all we can do is reflect on this and plan on being better in the future.