How Are You?
What is it we say when we encounter someone either for the first time or someone we know?
“How are you?” or “How are you doing?”
I have been thinking about this a lot. What is strange about this phrase is that we are not really asking how someone is doing. What we really mean is, “I choose to greet you in a polite way.” The problem with this is that the phrase also has a literal meaning.
This really came to mind a year and a half ago when I thought I was dying. People who did not know I was sick would ask me how I was doing and I had to decide if I would lie or if I would tell the truth. While I did not want to lie, I also knew that they were not really asking me this question.
I also thought about this recently when I asked this question of a man who was sick and although he gave me the traditionally expected answer, I could tell there was pain behind it. He was not doing fine at all, no matter what his words were.
Perhaps it is time to change the way we greet one another. When I meet someone I know who is terminally ill, I try to say to them, “It is good to see you” because I already know how they are doing. I can honestly say that I am glad to see them. Perhaps we need to use some variation on that when we are greeting people.
“How are you?”
I think it is time for us to reserve that phrase for the times that we are prepared to get an honest answer. If the time and place is right, ask the question and let the person tell you how they really feel.
I am trying to change my greeting. Will you join me?
Good post. I think this is a good idea. I’ve had plenty of rough times throughout my twenties, especially this year. “How are you” is always a strange question to get because I want to be honest, but I know that’s not what the person is looking for and if I say anything other than “fine”, the person will inquire about it. This is fine if I know the person well and want to talk to him, but I don’t want to talk about it with most people.
As the years go on my “fine” gets less and less convincing when I’m asked that question, which makes it more awkward for me!
Thanks for your comment. It is something that we all have to be more sensitive about.
So true. I hate this cliché. This is something that really hit me about 13+ years ago. Someone asked me “how are you” as they were running past me and were clearly not interested. I was actually going through a rough time and could have used someone to talk to. So, since then I don’t ever say “how are you” to anyone unless I have time to really ask them and listen to their response.
More of us need to make that decision.